A lot has been said about a supposed “war on Christmas” for the last few years, but the opening shots have just been fired in the war on Halloween.
According to HRSene.com, many parts of Virginia are clamping down on the ghoulish pleasures of trick or treating.
In an effort to curb the heinous crime of eating too much candy, the city of Chesapeake, Virginia, has declared that anyone over the age of 12 with the audacity to trick-or-treat can be hit with fines of $25-100. Those hefty fees will require a lot of overtime hours at the lemonade stand to cover.
Oh, and in addition to the fines, teenaged trick-or-treaters could even face up to six months in jail.
It’s like something dreamt up in collaboration between Joseph Stalin and Jack Chick – cracking down on Halloween with an iron unfun fist.
Children under 12 who have the raw nerve to disrespect the Virginia Commonwealth by trick-or-treating past 8 p.m. would also face fines or jail time.
One can only imagine the anarchy this will cause. The jail system will be clogged with fourth graders who thought it would be OK to hit just one more house seeking fun-size Snickers or handful of candy corn before going home.
After their 30-day sentences were up, these now-hardened criminals would be released to the civilian world where they can only get jobs in the underground candy trade, smuggling Skittles into the United States and making batches of M&Ms in bathtubs.
I’m being (slightly) hyperbolic, I suppose. But who are these rules for? Who can take any lawmaker who supports – or wrote – these laws seriously ever again?
Are teenage trick-or-treaters that much of a nuisance that we need to lock them up? Or should we just hand them some cheap candy and be thankful that they’re having fun and enjoying their youth by dressing up as their favorite TV character and getting cavities?
In some places in the state, it’s illegal for parents of trick-or-treaters to accompany their children while wearing a mask, which really ruins the plans of the parent-kid duos that were going to celebrate with matching Groot and Rocket Raccoon costumes.
What’s next in Virginia after outlawing trick-or-treating? Banning smelly feet? How will anyone get anything good to eat?
I think the children of the Virginia, one of the 13 original colonies, should re-enact Colonial justice. On Halloween night, while dressed up in costumes, the children should chuck candies into the harbor, just as the original colonists did with tea.
Give me Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups or give me death.